PTSD?

So it is Thursday.  One week after I was hit by a car.  I've ridden a bike twice since I was hit.  Once on Sat -- rode the SMT with my brother.  The intersections kinda freaked me out.  Then sometime this week I rode my bike on the trainer for 90 min.

Today, I was supposed to ride some hills for 75 min, and run for 45, total 2 hrs.  Well, it is 6:25, and I haven't done either yet.

Packed up my truck this am to go ride 59 or maybe T.S.Green today.  Left work at 5 to get out there.  Stressed out.  Couldn't figure out where I wanted to ride.  Traffic was a mess.  Took so many wrong turns just trying to get on Apalachee Parkway that somebody would have thought I was a parent bringing a freshman to college for the first time.  Finally by 5:30, I said screw it and gave up.  I.  Quit.

I thought I had been looking forward to it all day, but simply couldn't handle the thought of riding those roads -- any roads.  Made me sick to my stomach and filled my shoulders/neck with stress/tension just thinking about it.  I mean, if I'm not safe on SMT, how the hell can I expect not to get hit on the roads in Tally, alone, when everybody is rushing to get home.  I just couldn't do it.  So, I am probably going to have to ride the trainer tonight and either run the neighborhood or on the dreadmill.

I know that I have no reason to be afraid, the chances of being hit again are huge.  But my brain simply will not let me accept that.  I mean, it is worse that the first time I ever took my bike out on the roads.  I used to love that, riding the roads.  It  was my utopia.  How am I going to ride the IMFL course this weekend all by myself?  I don't know if I can do it.  I honestly cannot even picture myself on the course.  Ok, I gotta go do something else, I am messing with my mind too much.  Was hoping this would help, but it isn't.